How to Help Your Toddler Overcome their Shyness?

At home your toddler spends their time singing, dancing and chatting with you but as soon as the doorbell rings and the next-door neighbour comes visiting, your toddler hides behind you and refuses to say hello. Sounds familiar? While some children may be shy sometimes, others may be quieter and more withdrawn in most social situations. Either way, your child needs to feel comfortable and confident about themself.

Is it normal for my toddler to be shy?

Yes, shyness is quite normal at this age. Toddlers tend to be shy because of two major reasons:

1. Shy temperament

Has your toddler always been quiet, inward-looking, or hesitant around strangers or group activities? Then, they're probably just somewhat timid by nature. Sometimes this kind of nature is called "slow to warm up," since your child needs a little extra time to feel comfortable in unfamiliar situations.

2. Separation anxiety

If your toddler was previously outgoing and has recently become more bashful, he/she may have developed separation anxiety. They may suddenly seem even more attached than usual to you and to their carer but more reserved with others. Separation anxiety peaks sometime between 10 months and 18 months and usually diminishes by the end of the second year.

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What can I do to help with my toddler's shyness?

No matter the reason for your toddler’s shyness, the recommendation for you as a parent is the same. Help them feel comfortable in social situations by letting them interact with others at their own pace. It might help to ask visiting friends and relatives ahead of time to approach your child slowly and wait for them to reach out to them, rather than vice versa. When it comes to group activities, don't worry if they hover on the periphery rather than jumping right into a game or activity.

Let your child sit on your lap when playing with other children, for example, instead of plopping them down among them. They'll get more satisfaction from participating on their own terms. Even if it's just watching from the sidelines, he/she will enjoy it more than being urged or cajoled into joining in.

What should I bear in mind when dealing with my shy toddler?

Here are some points to remember when dealing with a shy toddler:

1. Be sympathetic

Parents are the best support that children look up to, so be sympathetic when your child expresses their unwillingness to mingle. Hold them, if they want you to, and talk to them about the place you have come to or the people you are meeting. For example say, "The children are having fun, aren’t they? They are all here to wish Manya a happy birthday; do you want to see her birthday cake?"

Exploring your surroundings together may make them feel better. If your child is fearful of something, acknowledge their fears instead of brushing them off. Your child should be able to trust you and feel secure when things seem a bit uncertain.

2. Accept them

Respect your toddler’s need for space in social situations while quietly encouraging them to get over their wariness. Making your toddler feel that they are introvert or shy may make them feel different or the odd one in the crowd.

3. Don’t label

Even if your child is not shy, describing them as "shy" may well lead them to believe that they are indeed shy. And if they are naturally shy, then a label will only make them feel like it is something to be ashamed of. Discourage family members, teachers and other people from calling your child shy or timid. When someone comments on their behaviour, describe it in a manner that will not harm their self-esteem.

If you are an extrovert, resist the temptation to make your toddler more "outgoing". Try to remember what it was like for you on the few occasions that you found yourself feeling a bit reticent.

4. Encourage but don’t push

Gently nudge your child towards activities which involve socialising with other children but take care to do it at a pace he/she is comfortable with. Take them to the park just before most children usually come so that they get some time to adjust to their surroundings before they are ready to interact. This is much better than being the last to arrive when there is already a huge group of noisy children playing.

You may be tempted to "show off" your toddler to relatives and friends. However, don’t force him/her to sing a nursery rhyme when they are clearly not at ease.

5. Don’t criticise

Harsh criticism or even teasing doesn't serve any purpose and will damage your child’s self-esteem. Shyness is more of a natural trait and is not something your toddler has control over. Loving them for all the qualities which make them unique will do wonders for your child's confidence. Don’t force them to socialise when they're uncomfortable. Instead, focus positively on the times when they manage to overcome their shyness.

Sometimes the more a child is forced, the more they will retreat into their shell where they feel safe. It may be a good idea to speak to family members and friends who could help you in your efforts.

6. Help them

Teach your toddler skills that may not come naturally:

• how to say "hello" or introduce themself
• how to answer common social questions
• how to ask another child to play with them
• offering toys to someone who has come home

Before going out, talk to them about where you are going and what they can expect. Knowledge about what is going to happen and people may make it easier for a shy child to prepare themself.

7. Don't avoid social situations

Keeping your child away from social gatherings and group activities won't make life easier for them. They may take a little longer to get involved in activities or join the table at a birthday party, but the more they're exposed to such gatherings, the more comfortable they'll become. Make an effort to find ways to reduce the stress of being in such situations.

8. Find less stressful ways for your child to be social

Choose activities that include smaller groups and quiet or known environments. Organising playdates can help your child practice social skills without a lot of pressure. If a storytelling session at the local club is one of your child's favourite places, take them to the story hour there or invite a friend to join you for a visit.

9. Listen

Encourage your shy child to talk about their experience in each social situation they are placed in and when they do open up, give them your full attention. If they come up to you while you are in the middle of a conversation, excuse yourself for a few minutes and listen to what they have to say without behaving like they are interrupting you. If they talk to you later, ask them questions about how they felt about the outing and what they liked and didn’t like and how they could deal with it the next time. If he/she tells you that they didn’t like someone’s behaviour such as squeezing them or pulling their cheeks, acknowledge their feelings instead of brushing them away.

Final Thoughts

There's no way to know whether your child will remain shy, but countless people have outgrown childhood bashfulness. So try not to worry about the future and focus instead on providing the acceptance and support that will help your child face the world. Help them feel comfortable with themselves and the world, and the confidence you instil in them will help them succeed in whatever they try. At the end of the day, remember that shyness is nothing to be ashamed of, and that plenty of shy people lead happy, fulfilling lives.